for big kids
a time, there were many, many more beautiful bears than there
are today, and far fewer ugly humans. Amongst the happy multitude
of ursines of several species and sub-species, there were a certain
legendary Three Bears.
the Father Bear got up and said I am a big and fearsome
bear! RAARRGGHHH!! I shall now go out and rampage the City!!
Bear said Well, wait up a moment. I am a somewhat big and
semi-fearsome bear. Raargh. And I don't mind telling you,
I could do with some rampaging right about now. First of all there's
that awful seamstress, she could certainly do with some rampaging
around her shop. And don't get me started on Dora with her
Baby Bear said Aww, Mum! Da! [dribble] I don't
want to stay home while you are Romapaging. In fact, I've
heard about a Witch's cottage on the Edge of the Forest that
is made of Marzipan and Gingerbread and Stollen and other Delicious
Confections . I should very much like to Rumpudge there. I have
often dreamt of browsing there with my Firefox.
So the three of them lumbered off towards the City. They all went
on their hind legs in a Very Fearsome Fashion, although they had
to go very slowly. They were not very used to walking on their
hind legs, especially with their paws in the air to be Extra Fearsome
and so they wobbled a lot. It's very difficult to throw fear
into people when you are wobbling about trying not to fall down,
so they had to go Very Slowly.
town eventually and got down to some serious rampaging. Father
Bear went over to the blacksmith's with his paws in the air
and a horrible RAAARGH and went about trying to destroy
the place. Occasionally, he would stop and fling a horseshoe at
the maypole in the centre of town to break up the monotony, but
he always missed.
went straight over to that awful seamstress's shop. She went around
and around inside, chewing on things and batting things about
with her large frightening paws. She wasn't awfully good
at it, but it did her arctic heart good to see the terrified expression
on the seamstress's face.
was nowhere near the witch's cottage but he didn't want
to leave the area where Mum and Pop were. Perhaps,
he thought to himself, we shall have the lovely cottage
for dessert! This cheered him and he went and found a small
doghouse which he circled around over and over again, occasionally
smacking it with his paw.
bears being Large and Fearful creatures, they are not exactly
built to rampage small towns, not in the same way that Godzilla
or Rodan are. So after several hours they had only finished rampaging
their first building, with very little Collateral Damage, and
had just moved on to their Secondary Targets. At this point, the
town decided that perhaps something Ought to Be Done.
for the Municipality, a Strange Boy had just appeared in town,
wearing mysterious Eastern Clothing. He came to the mayor and
said for 5000 gold pieces per bear he would gladly rid the town
of the Awful Scourge of Rampaging Bears. The mayor agreed and
the mysterious boy went to the centre of town and rubbed an old
oil lamp he had been carrying under his arm.
Thereupon, a fearsome scarlet smoke boiled out of the lamp and
took the shape of a dark and frightening red Genie!
shall I do for you, O Master ? the genie bellowed, in a
deep, sexy voice that made all the windows in the little town
some tutus on those bears, okay?
sure, that's simple
clapped his hands twice with a sound like thunder and there was
a brilliant flash. Suddenly all three bears were wearing tutus;
frilly pink tutus that were very expensive-looking and feminine.
These were magical tutus that didn't end at the skin. No,
these tutus went straight down to your Soul.
was shocked. No! he cried. I look silly! What
if my buddies see me? Sorry, guys, I can't stay around!
And off he flew into the Forest.
looked down and bellowed NOOOOOOOOOOO! I am not secure enough
in my masculinity to wear a tutu! And off he flew into the
Bear looked down and said My goodness! Isn't this lovely?
I do feel very pretty now! I almost feel like dancing! And
she lumbered off on four paws into the center of town near the
maypole and did a pretty little dance for everyone.
boy in Foreign Clothes went back to the mayor and said, See
? I have banished your bear problem! Well
mostly. Two out
of three isn't bad, and I should at least get half pay for
the girl bear. She's not a threat to the town anymore. So
that will be 12,500 gold pieces, and I shall be leaving straight
shuffled in his seat a bit. Well, look at the time! And
the month! And see where the sun is in the sky! Funny you should
bring up the subject of payment. You know, we had a particoloured
Piper through here just last week, so we're a bit short at
the moment. Perhaps you could come back sometime next year?
rolled his eyes and went out to the town centre again, being sure
not to be pulled in to dance with Mrs Bear. A Dark and Fearsome
Look came upon his face and he rubbed his magic lamp. The horrible
genie filled the sky of the town center with his crimson cloud
and the townspeople (not to mention the windows) trembled.
'em ALL tutus, okay? he requested of the genie.
roll of thunder and a brilliant flash of light, the entire town
was suddenly wearing pink tutus - right down to their souls.
It took quite a while for almost all of the guys in town
to get used to the tutus. Most of the women were annoyed at how
hard their outfits were to accessorize, but they did occasionally
join Mama Bear for little pirouettes in the town centre.
Bear - after getting a bit lost looking for his daddy - wandered
past the witch's cottage and ate the whole thing in one big,
unbabylike Gulp. He never found his daddy.
everything turned out fantastically in