is terrible for you.
terrible that I have done this to you.
ability to cope is rapidly draining away :
senility, I guess.
know I am losing things repeatedly :
passport, bus-pass, money.
aware of little lapses of attention.
a permanent knot of sadness in my stomach
feeling of despair not just at the micro-level
being among billions of similar damaged/mis-evolved beings)
the macro-level, too. The world is getting ever more awful.
species are disappearing almost before our eyes.
half of 'the wildlife' that existed in 1945
eradicated by our insane, ever-'progressing' species
on, and so forth...
think I can face another winter,
roadworthiness test on a car now over 15 years old
could break down anytime, leaving me stranded.
sense of autonomy ('free will') has left me isolated in so many
here in this rural 'retreat' with no neighbours
rented house with dodgy electrics
my landlord has refused to maintain in any way
years - a house of moths, silverfish, beautiful spiders,
and the occasional rat, with an inefficient coal fire
very old slate roof that will not last much longer.
even look after the garden.
repeating my mother's end, but much earlier
rapidly. She denied and/or hid her senility,
ever calling the spade a spade, must recognise it.
must do something about it before it's too late.
France, the prospect of selling the house
of all the stuff
pulls tighter the knot in my stomach.
retreated into the cave of my oncoming incapacity,
is no exit.
even face the journey back
and plane and train...
month there on my own without you,
food and wine and music, colloquy and silences.
have to end my life before it gets worse
- and indeed for you. The longer I agonise miserably
the more difficult it will become.
more difficult it will be for me to do the simple thing
Temazepam and the big plastic bag over my head.
deepest thing that can be said
What is inexpressible
that my life
mere procrastinated suicide.
are a bit difficult from the point of view
the body. If I do it in my house, it could be days
you realise that something has gone wrong
the 16 or so miles to be presented with a stinking corpse.
have to do it either before someone is due to visit
is almost never)
do it in your house in the middle of the night.
a terrible decision, but - since things can only get worse -
a sensible one.
couldn't drive my car off a cliff
if there were any cliff roads near here)
outcome of that would not be guaranteed.
you have a copy of my Will.
find one, and I think I gave it to you.
are awful !
is no Good Time to do this,
it now will prevent or ruin
Meditation Week in England.
terrible for 'failing you' through incapacity.
is no way you could look after me,
my 'carer'. The strain would be too much.
would eventually die in any case,
in a psychiatric or geriatric ward
one of those horrible 'Care Homes'
am having great difficulty plucking up the courage.
oneself 'in cold blood' after long and cool reflection
more courage than I ever thought I,